1 00:00:00,999 --> 00:00:06,299 2 00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:17,890 All right, mate? 3 00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,928 All right, Peter, man. How you doin'? 4 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:22,571 I'm no' bad, Scott. I'm going to cut to the chase here, mate. 5 00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:25,246 The boys are wanting me tae have a wee word with you. 6 00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,243 Oh, aye? Sounds ominous. 7 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:29,846 Just about some o' this patter you've been hittin' oot wi' 8 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:31,684 when you've been in the pub wi' us. 9 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:33,524 - Ma patter? - Aye. 10 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:37,161 Well, I mean, I know we're no' gangsters or anything like that, right, 11 00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:38,605 but people know no' to mess. 12 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:40,728 Some of this new patter 13 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:43,041 you've been using is making us look a bit... 14 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:44,281 dolly. 15 00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:45,850 Who's sayin' we're dolly? 16 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:47,922 You send them to the MC Bumslap 17 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:50,685 and I'll lay a heavy beat doon on their buttocks, man. 18 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,411 Aye, see, that's the kinda thing I'm talkin' about, really. 19 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:54,766 What's wrang wi' sayin' buttocks? 20 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:57,286 It's just the wrang kinda word for guys like us. 21 00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,010 So who gets to say buttocks? 22 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:00,491 I don't know, mate, but no' us. 23 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,562 That guy mouthin' off in the pub the other day, 24 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:06,326 and you told him that you were the King of Skelpy Bum Mountain, 25 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:08,209 and you were gonnae redden his rump. 26 00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:09,884 That's good patter, mate. 27 00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:11,928 Skelpy Bum Mountain is not good patter, mate. 28 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:13,365 Well, a guy's no' gonnae like it 29 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:16,205 when the Botty Thrash Master crimsons his cheeks, is he? 30 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:18,965 What's wi' all the arse skelping stuff, for one thing? 31 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:21,805 - It embarrasses the guy. - It embarrasses us! 32 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,083 Oh, is that right? 33 00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:27,969 Aye, so you're going to censor me? 34 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:29,201 I'm just tellin' ye. 35 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:32,808 So what patter d'ye want me to use, then? 36 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:35,406 If a guy's out of order doon the pub, 37 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:38,882 tell him, "Get oot the pub or yer gettin' it." 38 00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:40,166 Don't tell him that 39 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:44,165 Prince Buttock Lash is gonnae make his bottom blush or any of that rubbish. 40 00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:46,766 You're gettin' it. You're gettin' leathered. 41 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:49,161 - Get oot, or I'll boot yer baws. - Aye. 42 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:57,082 That's cos it's the established lingo o' threatenin' a guy, in't it? 43 00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:00,801 These are the phrases we agreed on when it came to warning a guy. 44 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:04,202 I never agreed on it. We need tae widen the scope o' our language. 45 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:06,931 The guys doon the pub might act like they respect us, 46 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,048 but do you know what they say aboot us on way hame? 47 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:10,531 What? 48 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:13,251 They're saying they guys lack creativity in their verbal threats. 49 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:17,166 Naebody has ever even thought that, ya muppet. 50 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:20,767 Noo, you're gonnae end up sittin' in that pub by yersel', mate, you've been warned. 51 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:23,444 Warned, aye? 52 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:26,842 Well, see the next time I threaten a guy, I'm gonnae tell him 53 00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:30,641 that Big Billy Bum Scud is gonnae blacken his bum cheeks. 54 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:32,484 Don't make that guy be you, Peter. 55 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,329 Me? 56 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:37,526 So what's the matter with you? 57 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:41,484 The Archduke Bollock Bash blootered his berries. 58 00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:44,325 - What? - He kicked us in the baws. 59 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:54,645 My new creation is inspired by a Scottish style that fell out of fashion. 60 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:59,369 Kagerfeld's autumn collection 61 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:03,445 showcases a new style of headwear for his fashion-forward followers. 62 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:11,200 Le poly bag on le man's heid. 63 00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:13,521 But now I make it my own. 64 00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:15,409 I make it... 65 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:17,130 very chic. 66 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:32,768 Non, non, le poly bag must roll up so, 67 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:36,242 it must sit across the brow, 68 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:41,724 the rain will gather above, and it will look very chic. 69 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,643 Beautiful, oui? 70 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:46,644 Will you look at some material samples now? 71 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:48,165 Oui. 72 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:52,006 This is a beautiful Pound Shop poly bag. 73 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,044 Non. Idiot. 74 00:03:55,120 --> 00:04:01,002 The seam is all wrong, la, non. 75 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:04,641 This is a lunchtime bakery poly bag. 76 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:07,564 Lunch tame bakkerie? 77 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:13,807 Eh, oui, for you, know, er... pasties and lunchtime meat. How you say... 78 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:15,450 Meaty beef pies? 79 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:19,002 Non, non, meat shaped like a cocoon? 80 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:22,368 A bridie. A mutton bridie. 81 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:24,044 Eh, oui, a bridie. 82 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:28,523 Ah, oui, like a leetle, uh, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet. 83 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:31,763 No, a bridie. A meaty mutton bridie? 84 00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:34,207 - Oh, bridie! - Oui. 85 00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:39,320 Non, non, I 'ate this bag. 86 00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:43,086 Well, OK, we also have this beautiful poly bag, 87 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:46,960 Richie Stroke, Burnistoun Butcher. 88 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:49,645 This is... 89 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:58,247 That is the poly bag. 90 00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:02,326 Alors. 91 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:07,451 La. 92 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:10,603 Et voil�! 93 00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:34,487 Davie, your thoughts on today's game. 94 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:38,246 Well, we dominated again, but, you know, we havenae scored. 95 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:41,051 I know the fans will say we need a top class striker, 96 00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:44,249 but the reality we've got to face here at Burnistoun United 97 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:46,322 is that the Wayne Rooneys of this world 98 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,209 willnae come and play in Scotland. 99 00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:50,169 I'm sure most of them would. 100 00:05:51,280 --> 00:05:53,169 What do you mean? 101 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:56,050 Well, you might not get the one who plays with Manchester United, 102 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,531 but all the other Wayne Rooneys of this world 103 00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:59,841 would be delighted to earn 20 grand a week, I'm sure. 104 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:04,604 But then again, how many of the Wayne Rooneys of this world, 105 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:06,170 bar the one who plays with Man U, 106 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,891 would actually be good enough to play at this level? 107 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:13,324 And how would you decide between all these Wayne Rooneys? 108 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:14,447 Would you trial them? 109 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:17,649 There's thousands of them. I mean, where would they all live? 110 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:20,121 Would you have to set up a Wayne Rooneys village near the training centre? 111 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:27,725 Or were you just pluralising the names of football players 112 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,290 for absolutely no reason again? 113 00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:34,326 I'll tell you something. Don't (BLEEP) ever offer me that again. 114 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:55,846 What is it? 115 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:58,161 I know, I'm sorry. 116 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:01,801 I mean, this is the reason we came here, is it no'? 117 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:05,851 To get away frae the city, to get away frae everybody we know. 118 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:08,844 - To be ourselves. - Don't dress it up. 119 00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:11,287 We're cheating on our wives here. 120 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,203 What if somebody saw us? 121 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:17,569 Look, Margaret and your Carol are back in Burnistoun. 122 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,450 We're safe here. 123 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:21,851 Gimme your haun. 124 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:28,285 Dermot! James! What are you doing here? 125 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:31,170 Saw what you were doing there. 126 00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:33,447 Shakin' hands on a wee business deal, eh? 127 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,648 Aye, aye, that's what it was. 128 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:38,087 Ah, well, good luck to you, boys, nice to see you. 129 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:43,281 Jesus. What're the bloody chances? 130 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:45,328 He doesnae know our wives, does he? 131 00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:47,641 Naw. God, I hope no'. 132 00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:50,004 Dermot! 133 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:51,491 Dermot, big yin. 134 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:53,722 All right, Billy? 135 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:57,282 Here, he's been talking all week about a dirty weekend. Are you it? 136 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:00,605 Ha, ha, only kidding you on! 137 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:02,648 No, but where is your missus, but? 138 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:05,929 She's back in Burnistoun. 139 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,367 - We're here on business. - Excuse me, 140 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:09,805 just a wee request. 141 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:11,120 I was cleaning your room, 142 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,806 and I noticed youse had pushed your two single beds together. 143 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:17,930 Just wondering if you can separate them later, as you're blocking an air vent. 144 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,684 OK. Sorry. 145 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:24,287 Hang on, are you Margaret Hunter's man? 146 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:26,089 My wee cousin Margaret, aye? 147 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,049 - You're related? - Aye. 148 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:31,010 What were youse pushing the beds together for? 149 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:33,811 Aye, what are youse pushing the beds together for? 150 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:37,601 We werenae. We were just trying to clear a bit of space 151 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:40,081 to have a brainstorming session. 152 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,811 Aye. An arse-storming session, by the sounds of it. 153 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:45,724 Don't be silly. We're married men. 154 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:48,007 Just bammin' you up. 155 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:49,047 Dermot? 156 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:52,971 How strange I should bump into you here. 157 00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:56,967 Is this where you bring all your one-night stands? 158 00:08:57,040 --> 00:09:00,123 Who is this? What's he talking aboot, one-night stands? 159 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:02,328 - He's naebody. - Nobody? 160 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:07,763 Don't you dare slap my grandson across the face. 161 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:11,447 - Granda? - Yes. I'm here on a fishing trip. 162 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:14,569 I'll get a photo of all of us and send it to your wives. 163 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:16,324 Congratulations! 164 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:18,528 You two are our 1,000th couple. 165 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,170 We're no' a couple. 166 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:21,446 We're here on business. 167 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,682 But the BBC News are here to cover the story. 168 00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:27,729 So, how about a little kiss, then, boys, eh? 169 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:31,321 Time for the fireworks! 170 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:41,645 - What can I do for you, darlin'? - Can I just have one of your poly bags? 171 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:44,410 Eh...aye. 172 00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:47,604 Sure. 173 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:00,765 What can I do for you, fella? 174 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:02,490 Are you Richie Stroke? 175 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:06,201 Aye, that's me, Richie Stroke. Burnistoun Butcher at your service. 176 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,363 I can see we're gonnae have a wee problem here. 177 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:10,407 Aye? 178 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:11,686 Why's that? 179 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:14,001 Because I'm the Burnistoun Butcher. 180 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,811 Have you got a butcher's shop an' all? Where ye set up? 181 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,406 No, no, no, I'm no' an actual butcher, 182 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,005 but that's what they call me. 183 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:23,970 They call me The Burnistoun Butcher. 184 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,691 Who calls you that? Oh, your customers, you mean? 185 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,364 No, no. 186 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:30,522 The polis call me that. 187 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:32,011 The papers call me that. 188 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:33,889 Aye, the papers call me that as well. 189 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:36,770 Got an advert in the Herald every Tuesday. 190 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:40,242 Yer really no' gettin' me here. Look. 191 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:42,926 Look what I've got here. 192 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:46,686 Aye, I've got one o' them an' all, son. It's for choppin' up beef. 193 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:49,650 How long have you been a butcher? You sound new to this game. 194 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:51,802 Look, I'm no' a butcher, look. 195 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:56,643 - How do you think this happened? - Hoo hoo hoo! 196 00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:58,643 Rookie butcher error, son. 197 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:01,564 Forgot to put yer apron on before you opened the shop? 198 00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:04,166 I don't have a shop, right? 199 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,050 Everything I need I keep up here. 200 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:11,011 Aye, I love my wee butcher's hat an' all, I know what you mean, know what you mean. 201 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:14,368 Naw, naw, naw, no' my butcher's hat. I'm no' a butcher. 202 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:15,805 But you just said you were. 203 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,406 I am a butcher, I am a butcher, I'm just... 204 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:21,131 I'm no' the kind of butcher you think I am. 205 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:23,807 Oh. 206 00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:27,682 You're one o' thae organic butchers. 207 00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:30,764 Naw, naw, I'm no' a butcher... 208 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:31,966 I am a butcher. 209 00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:34,081 Just listen, right? 210 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:37,960 You'd better stop callin' yersel' the Burnistoun Butcher, 211 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:39,530 or you'll be in trouble. 212 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:41,409 Don't threaten me wi' lawyers, son. 213 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,403 I've been the Burnistoun Butcher for years. 214 00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:46,404 Think you're going to open a new butcher's shop using ma name? 215 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,403 It's you that'd better be worried about gettin' sued. 216 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,482 I'm no' a butcher, right?! 217 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:52,085 I'm an actual butcher. 218 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:54,128 I mean, I'm no' a butcher butcher. 219 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:56,043 Ah, tae hell wi' you. 220 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:59,363 You'll be hearin' aboot me. 221 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:03,490 Aye, hearin' aboot yer pies no' havin' any meat in 'em, nae doubt. 222 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:13,361 I see the Burnistoun Butcher's struck again. 223 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:15,169 Aye? Oh, God, what's he done now? 224 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,847 Only gone and reduced his ashet pies to 50p a pop. 225 00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:24,767 Buckin' joke, man. 226 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:47,610 Well now, well now, we all had a good laugh 227 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:49,444 at the charity ball last night, 228 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:53,241 when Mr Coughlin's wife Marge complained about 229 00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:55,448 having pins and needles in her feet. 230 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,249 What did she expect? 231 00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:03,009 Every hour Mr Coughlin is in London, she spends with her legs in the air, 232 00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:07,244 yes, having sex with men. 233 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,602 Well now, well now, 234 00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:15,126 I wonder if Mr Brogue 235 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,407 has considered the possibility 236 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:21,121 that the reason none of his constituents are using the cycle lanes 237 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:24,124 he had installed at great cost 238 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:28,603 is because they're all too busy riding the local bike, 239 00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:32,924 his wife, Mrs Brogue? Yes, yes. 240 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:36,368 Bike in the sexual sense. 241 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,090 Well now, well now, 242 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:44,167 on a day when Mr Coughlin is trying so hard to charm the trade unions, 243 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,402 one wonders if he realises 244 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:52,010 what his own wife Marge has in common with those trade unions? 245 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:53,764 And what would that be? 246 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:57,925 They've both spent years being shafted by Tories. 247 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:03,882 Yes, shafted with the shaft of the male genitalia indeed. 248 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:07,328 Well now, well now, shafted, is it? 249 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:12,167 Isn't it ironic that while the MSP for Burnistoun North 250 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:17,531 was doing his damnedest to shut the Burnistoun coal mines, 251 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:21,491 his good wife had so many helmets in her own mineshaft? 252 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:26,282 Yeah, jerry helmets, I'm talking about. Yeah. 253 00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:29,091 With respect to our German friends in the EU. 254 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,891 Well now, well now, likewise, 255 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:37,603 on a day when Mr Coughlin has spent so long talking about the military, 256 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:42,971 one wonders if he understands the difference between his wife, Marge, 257 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:47,011 - and the Taliban fighters in Afghanistan. - What? 258 00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:50,084 His wife likes missiles in her cave. 259 00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:51,446 Well now... 260 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,531 - Well now... - Well now, 261 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:59,286 it looks like Mr Coughlin has run out of patter, 262 00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:03,365 much like his government has run out of ideas! 263 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:05,442 Order! Order! 264 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:11,163 I refer the honourable gentleman to the slaggings I handed out earlier. 265 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:20,170 - Ladies' night. - Ladies' night. Kelly's idea. 266 00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:21,605 Can I still come in? 267 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,842 - You a lady? - Do I have to be one? 268 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:24,887 Nae clues. 269 00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,689 - Are ye a lady? - Naw. 270 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,046 Ladies' night. 271 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,168 - So I'm no' allowed in? - Naw. 272 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:34,728 But the pub's empty. 273 00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:36,564 - Aye. It's empty o' men. - Naw, 274 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:38,404 it's empty o' everybody bar you, and you're a man. 275 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:41,802 I'm no' a man. I'm a bar man. 276 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,247 Am I going to have to go hame and put a dress on? 277 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:47,243 It's ladies' night, no' trannies night. 278 00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:50,881 - How come you can stay but I cannae? - I just telt ye. I'm behind the bar. 279 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,964 - I'm staff. - Gie us a job, then. 280 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:03,650 All right? What can we all get fer youse? 281 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:14,326 Hello there. I'm Dougie Flapps, this is my brother Duggie Flapps. 282 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:17,404 We're frae Dougie And Duggie Flapps Dug Flaps And Flat Caps. 283 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:20,245 You phoned us about buying some flat caps. 284 00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:22,084 A dug flap, I was looking for. 285 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:24,731 Luckily Dougie And Duggie Flapps Dug Flaps And Flat Caps 286 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,086 also sell dug flaps as well as flat caps. 287 00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:28,083 Come in. 288 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:42,245 Can I interest you in some flat caps while I'm here? 289 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:43,321 No, thanks. 290 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:46,324 There's a 50% discount on flat caps for every dug flap purchased with a flat cap 291 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,448 frae Dougie And Duggie Flapps Dug Flaps And Flat Caps. 292 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:49,851 No, thanks. 293 00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:57,725 So, is this an access door here? 294 00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,326 - Aye. - An' is it a real dug you've got? 295 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:01,845 A labrador. 296 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:04,605 Right, well, imagine my brother is a labrador. 297 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:06,409 Grease that floor up a bit, Duggie. 298 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:12,044 Picture this. Big labrador dug runnin' towards 299 00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:14,646 your back door, trying to get in the hoose. 300 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,131 Show him, Duggie. 301 00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,731 Now, imagine my brother's heid was made o' dug, 302 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:24,689 and he never had a flat cap on. He'd be deid. 303 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:25,886 You all right, pal? 304 00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:29,931 Let's be honest, my brother cannae run as fast as a labrador dug can run. 305 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,650 I'm the only one that can do that. 306 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:35,566 So, let's see what happens at full dug speed. Oot the way, Duggie. 307 00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:48,810 You all right? 308 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,770 Oh...oh! Phew, 309 00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,366 that's a concussion shot, that. 310 00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:02,567 Your labrador is lucky to be alive wi' a door that hard. 311 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:05,120 What you need, sir, is a dug flap. 312 00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:07,168 I've already told you I want a dug flap. 313 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:08,366 Ye don't have to convince me. 314 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:12,205 You might have pointed that out before the demonstration, 315 00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:13,770 instead of trying to buy flat caps. 316 00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:17,287 I never mentioned anything aboot flat caps. That was you. 317 00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:20,489 Right, OK, OK. So where do you want your dug flap? 318 00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:23,245 In the ceiling, in the window? 319 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,482 In the door. 320 00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:33,042 And you realise we need to make a hole in the door for the dug flap to be effective? 321 00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:35,805 You cannae have a dug flap withoot a hole. 322 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:38,690 Some people do, sir. I mean, let's take, for example... 323 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:41,565 that frying pan. 324 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:46,924 Now, let's say this is a dug flap. 325 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,568 And we've installed it in your door. 326 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:53,846 Do your dug, Duggie. 327 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:06,410 That frying pan could be your brain 328 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:09,802 if you're planning on running heid first into doors wi' nae flat cap. 329 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,884 I'm no' planning on running into any doors. 330 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,930 - So who's yer dug flap fer? - The dug. 331 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:21,325 I'm no' interested in any flat caps, or even cat flaps. I just want... 332 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,243 Who said anything about cat flaps? 333 00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:25,606 - Cat flaps? - Cat flaps? 334 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:26,920 - Cat flaps? - Cat flaps? 335 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,729 Cat flaps? 336 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,370 We're Dougie and Duggie Flapps Dug Flaps and Flat Caps. 337 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:34,445 No' Dougie and Duggie Flapps Dug Flats and Cat Flaps, although I have got their card. 338 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:37,165 Just gie 'em a wee ring, 339 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,891 and they'll sort yer labrador out with a nice penthouse apartment. 340 00:19:57,640 --> 00:19:58,766 Sit down, Jeremy. 341 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:03,843 We've had a few complaints from your colleagues 342 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:06,048 about your behaviour in the office, Jeremy. 343 00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:07,246 Really? 344 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:11,169 What did they say? 345 00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:14,881 They said you've been acting inappropriately towards the female staff. 346 00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:19,488 They said that about me-e-e-e? 347 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,009 Yes. 348 00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:26,129 They said you've been making sexually suggestive remarks. 349 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:31,843 They said that about me-e-e-e? 350 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:33,490 What are you doing there, exactly? 351 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,961 - What do you mean? - That stupid voice. 352 00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:42,366 Oh. Oh, that's ma thing. Sorry, I didn't mean tae exasperate ye. 353 00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:45,808 Yes, well, it's always awkward dealing with things like this, 354 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,484 but I have to take it very seriously 355 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:50,131 when my staff say that someone is out of line. 356 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:54,683 They said that about me-e-e-e? 357 00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:56,888 Right. Would you care to explain this carry-on? 358 00:20:56,960 --> 00:21:01,249 But that's me. That's ma character, that's what I do. 359 00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:04,847 Every week, somebody tells me that somebody said something about me, 360 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,285 and I just go... 361 00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:11,002 They said that about me-e-e-e? 362 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,321 What do you mean, it's your character? 363 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,483 That's the defining aspect of me as a person. 364 00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:21,487 Every single week since as long ago as I can remember, 365 00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:24,643 somebody comes up to me and tells me that somebody said something about me, 366 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:25,767 and I just go... 367 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:31,126 they said that about me-e-e-e? 368 00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:35,762 What sort o' defining characteristic is that, exactly? 369 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:40,084 Well, how can I help maself with a surname like mine? Look at my file. 370 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,131 People like it. 371 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:47,890 I doubt it. 372 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,327 Well, you don't like it. 373 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:54,246 You get exasperated at me saying it. But other people like it. 374 00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:57,608 Other people like it when you get exasperated at me saying it. 375 00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:01,207 No, other people say you drive them up the wall as well, Jeremy. 376 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:04,090 They said that about me-e-e-e? 377 00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:07,004 Will you stop saying that? 378 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:11,608 I'm sorry, I promise, I'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever say it again. 379 00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:12,647 Good. 380 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:16,361 Now, back to the matter at hand. 381 00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:18,169 Your colleagues have said... 382 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:20,891 Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah... 383 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:22,644 Ah, what? 384 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:24,802 See? That's ma other thing. 385 00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:26,245 Even when I'm not saying it, 386 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:31,360 it's the anticipation of me inevitably saying it again that people like. 387 00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:34,922 - That's why I'm so popular. - You're far from popular, Jeremy. 388 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:36,809 - Your colleagues have said... - See? 389 00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:39,770 The anticipation, can you feel it? 390 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,251 No, I can't feel it. 391 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:45,006 I can feel it building up! Here it comes, can you feel it? 392 00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:46,923 No, no, no. 393 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:50,163 Here it comes, I can feel it, 394 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:51,207 this is it, this is it! 395 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:53,203 I won't stand for any more of this, Jeremy. 396 00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:57,080 You're in big trouble here. Your colleagues have said I should fire you. 397 00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:03,167 They said that about me-e-e... 398 00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:06,562 e-e-e-e-e-e... 399 00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:10,167 e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e... 400 00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:13,722 e-e-e-e-e-e-e... 401 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:17,088 e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e... 402 00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:20,448 Are you between 18 and 24? 403 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:22,761 Are you a stunning looking lassie? 404 00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:27,323 Then why not prank your pals with the funniest prank ever? 405 00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:31,485 Kid on you're going oot wi' me, Davey McGroggan. 406 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:38,284 Your pals willnae believe it when you come swanning in the door 407 00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:40,886 with smelly old Davey McGroggan on your arm. 408 00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:42,928 Old pishy drawers hisself. 409 00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:47,483 It's the funniest prank ever done. 410 00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:51,531 Fora low, low price of only ten quid a night 411 00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,125 I'll even make it realistic. 412 00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:56,329 I'll winch ye and all that Tongues and everything. 413 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:58,767 Hauns everywhere. 414 00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:00,524 It's hilarious. 415 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:01,965 Look at her pals. 416 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,247 They cannae believe she's going oot 417 00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:07,608 with manky Davey McGroggan frae Burnistoun Flats. 418 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:11,730 I wouldnae believe it masel if you told me. It's magic. 419 00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:16,328 Only a fiver, four quid, even a quid'll dae. 420 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:19,006 Listen to these testimonials. 421 00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:21,845 He was pure smelling. I mean, 422 00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:25,811 I had an ear infection once and it was pure disgustin', 423 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:27,530 and he smelt like that. 424 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:30,251 Oh, I'm gonnae boak. 425 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:36,531 I cannae believe she's going out wi' that smelly old Davey McGroggan. 426 00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:38,443 I nearly spewed. 427 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:41,729 He's got flies buzzin' round his baws. 428 00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:45,842 Urgh! Urgh! 429 00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:48,605 Why no' go for the ultimate prank? 430 00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:52,048 Nothin' brings families together like a good laugh. 431 00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:56,011 Prank your da by lettin' him catch ye gettin' shagged 432 00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:58,321 by smelly old Davey McGroggan, 433 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:01,802 whose hoose is full o' deid dugs. 434 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:03,689 Oh, no! 435 00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:05,410 Davey McGroggan! 436 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:11,003 You and this jakey tramp under ma roof? This smelly alky bastard? 437 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:14,448 Get oot, ya wee hoor! 438 00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:20,729 Don't miss out We're booked up until 2012. 439 00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:24,885 Get on the waitin' list A Davey McGroggan prank 440 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:28,601 It's the best idea lever thought o'. 441 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,408 Hiya. My name's Kelly McGlade, 442 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:36,007 just aboot to have a meetin' wi' my shitey band mates. 443 00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:37,764 Tell them we're breaking up. 444 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:39,444 I'm going solo. 445 00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:47,170 Listen, I brought youse here today to gie you some bad news. 446 00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:50,403 It's just gonnae be me frae noo on, pleasin' masel. 447 00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:52,881 Oh, that's a shame. 448 00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:55,566 D'ye want a lend o' my rabbit? 449 00:25:55,640 --> 00:26:00,407 I mean I'm goin' solo. Pleasing masel music-wise. I'm breakin' up the band. 450 00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:05,805 Nae tears, nae tears, nae tears, nae tears. Youse have had a good run. 451 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:09,965 Youse can go back to yer job in the tottie scone factory wi' yer heids held high. 452 00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:11,451 Well, as high as ye can haud yer heids 453 00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:13,602 wi' the amount o' make-up you got plastered on them. 454 00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:16,364 But ye need us. 455 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:20,650 We're eye candy. They call me the Rihanna of Burnistoun. 456 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:23,929 Excuse me? The Rihanna of Burnistoun? 457 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:27,163 - Mair like the piana of Burnistoun. - Piana? 458 00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:30,722 Aye, cos at parties guys all staun round ye while somebody has a shot. 459 00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:35,442 Look, it's over. I'm no' gonnae be able to make it carryin' youse two on ma back. 460 00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:36,681 We'll stop drinkin'. 461 00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:39,001 I don't mean literally carryin' youse on ma back, 462 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:40,650 although that's a problem an' all. 463 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:41,721 I mean... 464 00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:43,450 talent-wise. 465 00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:46,569 I mean, look at me. I'm magnificent. 466 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:48,051 And nae offence to youse two, 467 00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:50,885 but if I rolled a bottle o' WKD past any street corner, 468 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:52,689 there'd be a dozen o' youse chasin' after it. 469 00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:55,570 You said you were gonnae get us oot o' Burnistoun. 470 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,041 How can I take youse oot o' Burnistoun? 471 00:26:58,120 --> 00:27:02,125 I cannae take youse anywhere. Remember that time we stayed in that hotel? 472 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:06,091 Youse didnae just steal the towels, you stole the interior decorating. 473 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:10,131 I couldnae believe it. I was like, are these two lassies gonnae win me a Grammy? 474 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,602 These two lassies steamin' a border aff the wall wi' an iron? 475 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:15,170 It was a nice border. 476 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:18,289 There was that time at that restaurant wi' the talent scout. 477 00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:22,126 And Emma goes into her fake Radley for some lipstick, 478 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,851 and pulls oot... Oh, my God! 479 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:27,287 A used condom, 480 00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:30,807 while the talent scout's eatin' his semolina. 481 00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:34,043 And doesnae apologise fer bein' so disgusting. 482 00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:36,646 Naw, decides to turn it into a mid-dinner anecdote 483 00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:39,564 like a sexually promiscuous Peter Ustinov. 484 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:43,565 - I don't even know who that is. - Exactly! 485 00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:46,769 Youse don't know anything! That's how I need to get rid o' youse. 486 00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:49,810 Youse are too stupit to survive in this business. 487 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:53,646 Youse probably think a castin' couch is where yer Granny sits to dae her knittin'. 488 00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:57,725 Away and show yersels oot, ya pair o' wee tramps. 489 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:04,005 Breaks yer heart, dun't it? 490 00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:08,047 Well, this is ma new manager's hoose. 491 00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:12,603 I'm away in tae meet him for the first time, so we can plan oot ma solo career. 492 00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:15,286 He doesnae want any cameras in for some reason, 493 00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:19,126 so I suppose this is cheerie-bye, thanks for followin' ma story. 494 00:28:35,798 --> 00:28:41,098 495 00:28:41,148 --> 00:28:45,698 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0